Life has been a battle of ups and downs and a busy mind sometimes is a persons worst enemy. My mind is definately my enemy when its hit overload and cant find a way to turn it off. lack of sleep, to many tears, and not knowing what is going to hit me next is certainly not good for me. I have missed journaling and blogging. Not so much for others but for my own self preservation. I started blogging years ago and like all things life gets in the way and i fall out of step with it but i find that when i journal or blog i can get stuff out of my head and onto paper or whatever and i deal better. I have alot going on inside and just cant keep it all together lately. I dont cry, its just not something i do. But…lately the tears are comimg more and more frequently and i am having a very difficult time dealing with it. Some people cry and i get it im just not one of them. Part of it is that when my father paassed i was told i had to be tough, i had to take care of mom and for my brother and sister and be strong for all of them they needed me to be tough and help them be ok and step in and do things and hold it together. When i allowed myself to break down i learned to do it in private where nobody could hear or see it so i wouldn’t be weak and if you do it for long enough you can fake the tough act well enough that you actually start to believe it. “Fake it till you make it”. And i perfected it in my world. I convinced myself and others around me that i was tough and just dealt with stuff and not much set me off. And people started to believe that i was hard, closed off, cold and somewhat even uncaring, do to the fact that i am so not a crier. They have no idea about how or whom i am and i dont hug people iether. So that just made them think it even more. Its hard to be someone sometimes when you are trying to be what others think you should be and what was expected of you and then they say and do hurtful things just to see if you respond someway that they think is appropriate in their eyes. I dont know what it is people want from me anymore. I try to be tough, i try to be kind, i try to do the right thing but it just keeps comimg back to kick me in the teeth.
I don’t hug people, you have to be really someone that is family for me to hug you. I find that when I have a hard time dealing with things if I hug someone that it makes it hard to be tough. Even family is hard for me if I already am at my breaking point and holding alot in. I think it’s a coping mechanism for me. I have to distance myself in order to keep it all together. I go to a funeral and I don’t hug anybody. I can sit thru the whole thing and shed a few tears but not all out bawl, and then when it’s over I can go and give my condolences and that is all good, but if they hug me or I try to hug them it’s all over. I loose it and then I leave very fast and go to my car and cry alone. I don’t like to be weak in front of people. My mom says it’s not weak to cry it’s normal and that is just way to contradictory from what people expect of me. Even my husband thinks that I keep to much inside and he doesn’t see it as weak, but it crushes him when I cry so I try to hide it from him too. I hate to see others hurt by not knowing how to deal with a crying person. I just make it easy for them by not putting them in the situation that makes them uncomfortable. I just don’t. But then they think that I am the cold hearted person. I’m really not. I hurt, I cry, I get angry and hurt and mourn just like other people do. WTH!
This year has been quite a tough road for me personally. I have lost alot of people in my life both physically and lost them in other ways as well. You can just only take so much before you start doubting yourself and the way you live your life and try to figure out what or how it went wrong. I have lost people, one being my uncle Keith, uncle Francis, cousin Kevin, cousin Doug, Randys dad, and pets. I don’t know how much more one person can handle. I am hoping that 2015 will be less loss and more happy but so far it’s started out not on a fabulous note. I have lost people in other ways this way as well. Not in the dieing sense but there are many ways to “loose” someone and those are sometimes just as hurtful. I lost a couple of friends, or what I thought were friends and one I know why and the other……well not really sure………….. The one I know why was that I stepped into a domestic dispute at her request and got her out of the house for a bit to give them both time to calm down, which didn’t work actually cause he blew up my phone with calls and texts and nasty voicemails and then she went right back to him and that was after she had called and talked to the cops about him and all of the mess, and after he had left my house in a huff and hit 2 of the neighbors puppies and killed them and then never stopped. It’s a long sorted story that I am not going to even think about right now but she turned him into the cops while at my house not me and she went back to him and that is not my thing to tell her not to. I told her that if she wanted me to take her home that was fine I had no issue doing that but i would NOT come back later that night and get her again. Her choice. Whatever she wanted was fine with me. I just was a friend to come get her and try to give them some time to space and time to not let it escalate further. As per HER request. Anyway then when he met us on the road to her house he screamed at me, threatened me, and she did nothing, but get in his truck and leave me hanging, scared and with no protection from her maniac husband! I was alone, I did her a favor and she left me out to dry and face him alone. Now how is that even right! So I lost that friend, and I guess good ridance. I did something as a friend and she left me out to dry, and told her husband that I was the one that turned her into the police. So not true. but whatever. The other friend, still not sure what I did there or how it came about but she just kinda wont have anything to do with me anymore. I thought we were close, we had done all the beagle things together, spent time at her area together, even was part of the wedding of her daughter and now nothing. I have tried to reach out but nothing ever seems to come of it so I have just resolved myself that I must have done something to upset her enough that she no longer wants to be friends. Not sure why but I get it I guess, maybe we have nothing in common anymore, or we have just found a different path in life. I try not to say things to hurt people or offend them but maybe inadvertantly I did say or do something to warrant her pulling away. If so I am truely sorry. But I have to move on and call it a part of my life that is done. Cried over that loss but it wasn’t the worst thing that happened this year and although it hurt, I cope.
Some other losses that I have been thru this year are the loss of a few pets. We lost Racer, Jack, Rosie, Baloo, and others over the years, many cats and dogs that I am sure I have never spoken off but this year has taken a toll. We had to put most recently down j-baby, or Jewel. She lived with Megan for the past several years and she was a Racer pup, one of the last litter that was born at our place. I loved her but she was Megz baby beagle so she had her for the past 3 years at her place. She has always been a great little beagle. Way overweight and happy, but she got really skinny really fast and the growth on her side grew in leaps and bounds and after a hard fight we finally decided she was in pain more than not so it was time. so on the 18th of December we put her down and had her cremated. That hurt alot!
Then on Dec. 22nd I got home an my bc/aussie 17 month old didn’t meet me at the window of the house when I drove in and that was not like him at all. He was the love of my life. He was my baby. We are empty nesters totally now so we got him to be our “go dog” “shop dog” “old people companion”, and he was PERFECT. He was my little blue eyed monster and he was so cute and funny and wonderful. He was all that and the whole bag of chips! He was my sunshine each day and hubby’s too. He was our best buddy. I wasn’t to concerned that he wasn’t in the house to start, he had a dog door and might be outside playing, but when I called and he didn’t come I had a gut feeling. I tried to tell myself he was locked in a outside room by mistake, or hubby had come and taken him to work, but he didn’t leave a note letting me know, so I called and he said no. I knew then something was horribly wrong. I called I checked all over the house and yard, then my worst fear was discovered. I found something floating in the above ground pool. I thought it was a piece of black plastic or a coat, but when I went around the side I saw it was my baby! He had somehow gotten into the pool and drown. I screamed I cried I cursed I got in and got him out and called hubby for help, but there was no help for what had happened. he was gone forever. I don’t think I could have ever imagined! he hated water, he never even looked or put paws on the pool, I don’t think he even knew what it was or anything. He never jumped iether so we really have no idea what happened to him or how he got in there. Fluke accident I guess. After that the past few weeks I can’t stop crying, or being blue, I can’t eat, don’t sleep, I am in a funk I just can’t shake and my hubby is very crazy with all the crying. He doesn’t see it often in the past 28 years and it kills him to see it now and not know how to make it better, there is no better for this. I have become very closed off and don’t even hug my mom or the kids cause if I do I break in parts and peices and loose it again. I can’t seem to get a handle on this one at all. It killed a part of me that is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. And moving on is just to much right now. I can’t stand to be home alone anymore, so not me, and I hate to look around and know he is not there and never will be again. What is wrong with me!
But I keep trying to move ahead and on…………………NOT WORKING
Chief “Bubby” has been one of the hardest losses for me……
The waterworks just don’t stop anymore. I think it was just the last straw in a long string of things and I need to figure out how to get back to the me I used to be. I don’t want to love anymore or be a friend if it hurts this bad to loose things. maybe the way I was is the better way for me cause if you don’t care and don’t love maybe it won’t hurt when they leave. I can try and tell myself that but if that is truely what I do and believe then what a horrible lonely life and I don’t want to be that person. Then I really will become the cold hearted bitch people think I already am. So not me, but I guess people see what they want to see when your emotions are not what they deem as the “normal” things people are supposed to do. I give up……….
Well along with those changes there are others as well. Job changes that were good and made me very happy and then changed again to what they were before. Not so happy about them anymore, and now I am back to working all the time and have very little down time till I can go back to the job change that made me happy again. I wish things would have turned out differently this past year but they didn’t so you move on. You play the hand that you are dealt but right now I hate this hand and want to change it but I committed to something and I have to see it thru. I am not a quitter and if I give you my word on something I do my very best to keep it. So here I am hating where and what I am doing but sticking it out anyway. Home life changes all the time too and it’s got it ups and downs, but hoping the new year will help me get a handle on that as well. We struggle to keep everything going and working right, but it’s hard and we can’t find the time to get it all done and keep other things from coming apart in the meantime. But we try. 3 more years and the business will be paid off and we can try to pay off my house instead and maybe fix it up and sell it instead. That is the hope anyway. we will see.
Well, work calls me again. I think blogging is helping to put some of the shit in my head out and deal with it and see it for what it is.